She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Buhtt sex?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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