Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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