matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
