This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
