have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
