I wanna bring you to show and tell
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm having to shit out rocks
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