laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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