the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They took my balls.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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