i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
