the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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