I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
pray to the hookup gods
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
