i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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