Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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