wrigley field is MILF paradise
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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