I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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