I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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