I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
