I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My pussy is not your playground.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
