My balls are so social today.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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