You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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