I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
