The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
