Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
