i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
