I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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