my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
