Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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