I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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