God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize