there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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