i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
