im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
