Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
