hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sobbing to NWA
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
