I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
