Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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