You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Shame - the story of my life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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