I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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