my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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