Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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