Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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