i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
