Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize