Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize