look no pants
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
