and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
