He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize