I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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