All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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