when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
