Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
