when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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