I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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