i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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