you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
