Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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