I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
