I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
