mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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