Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
