im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
