I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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