Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
