On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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