You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's official drugs can't kill me
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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